Editorial | 1/15/2010 at 2:59 PM

Co-Op Classics: Total Carnage

It's the sequel to the mother of all twin stick shooters, Smash T.V.  Total Carnage took gamers out of the arena and into the battlefield.  

The story starts as an evil Middle Eastern dictator named General Akhboob closes off his country, and when reporters try to get the scoop, they are all swiped up.  Suddenly we realize there's anything but baby milk being made in that factory.  It's up to Captain Carnage and Major Mayhem to invade Akhboob's base, destroy his forces, kill the mutants, and rescue all the hostages.  If Akhboob dies in the process, so be it.  With two heroes at the ready, Total Carnage perfect for co-op play.


Even though you are the ugliest reporter ever, I'll avenge your death.

The game continues this over the top style throughout with various enemies and cut scenes being downright silly.  Even the bosses are nuts; you'll fight Orcus, the mother of all boss monsters.  He's actually kind of a pussy, but when the giant green screaming creature lands on your screen, it's quite intimidating.  Instead of rooms, players are in the open landscape contending with enemies from all directions.  There's even giant vehicles to face off against, enemies of all sizes to kill, and of course - plenty of blood and guts.

In Smash T.V. players were fixated on grabbing prizes and weapon upgrades, and while Total Carnage has some of that, there's a lot more to concentrate on.  There's plenty of weapon upgrades to grab with all the traditional types making a return: spread shot, grenade gun, and various other upgrades.  Instead of prizes for bonus points, you need to rescue hostages - namely all those captured reporters.  To make things more difficult the game uses a constant scrolling mechanism to make it almost impossible to grab all of these missing foes.  You'll need a friend at your side to cover the whole screen.

The other bonus item in the game are keys, only for the truly dedicated.  In fact, you need to grab 220 of these to unlock access to The Pleasure Dome.  Inside is a promised haven of prizes, gold, and bikini clad babes.  Again the scrolling mechanism makes this difficult at times, and a lot of keys are hidden behind objects so you can't necessarily see them.  It's almost a requirement to have two players to grab 220 keys, as some keys appear and disappear quickly.  

Finally you confront Akhboob in a climatic battle.  You'll kill him through a half a dozen different forms, each designed to suck more quarters out of you in the arcade.  And then of course, is the shocking reveal.  As with any good game, the final evil boss turns out to be Hitler.  

So you blast the crap out of a giant Hitler head.  Then you blast the crap out of a giant Hitler head without skin.  You are the winnar!

But did you get 220 keys?  

It's onto the Pleasure Dome where the game's last quarter sucking trick awaits.  As the screen continually scrolls up you quickly have to gather all of the goods, something pretty much only obtainable in co-op.  There's hidden treasure behind walls, boxes on the side, and gold bars just about everywhere.  Then you enter the final room only to see...

Those bastards from Smash T.V. with your ladies!  

Yes apparently you didn't get ALL the prizes in the dome, so no boobies for you.  There's no recorded case of someone actually getting all the prizes and seeing a different final screen.  From what most people agree, it's simply another tactic to get you to dump more quarters into the arcade machine.  

Total Carnage was and is a blast to play through.  It can be completed in a good twenty minutes or so with a friend, and thanks to the numerous ports and versions available with infinite credits, you can see it from start to end.

Smash T.V. managed to get an XBLA port, and I had been holding out for one for Total Carnage, but so far no dice.

Perhaps with Microsoft's Game Room?